I’ve come to the conclusion that being Bisexual is something I’m supposed to keep to myself.
I’m accepted more if I lie and say I’m Straight to hetero people and The gay community accept me more if I lie to them and say that I’m gay.
I’ve always known that homophobic people would never come to terms with me being attracted to men, but I’m finding it a struggle with the way some of my gay friends react to me saying I’m Bisexual.
Coming out as gay was always gonna be difficult, not least for the fact that I had lied to people for so long. Pretending to be something I’m not. But I did it and felt like I was still a liar. Because I’m not gay. I now feel pressure to lie to gay people I meet. What do you expect when you are told to your face that they “just can’t get involved with Bisexual men”. Or that time when i almost have a stand up fight with some acid queen bully who’s whole life seems to revolve around amusing themselves by humiliating others “telling it like it is”. They never say nice things when they “tell it like it is” . They just spout venom.
Apparently I’m a liar. I’m not Bisexual. I’m really gay and too cowardly to own up to it.
I’m in the closet and should stop pretending. I’m sitting on the fence and need to make my mind up.
They think that saying I’m Bisexual is the cowards way out.
If you are gay would you consider a Bisexual Boyfriend?.
If you are a heterosexual woman would you consider a Bisexual Boyfriend ?.
In my experience, some may say ‘yes I’m ok with it’ But in reality they don’t like it.
So maybe I should go back to pretending I’m something I’m not.
Well this is turning into a disappointment already. Arrived in good time, weather overcast. Cold and windy. Room not as good as last year. No well stocked fridge in the room. In fact no fridge at all!. And worst of all. Terrible WiFi signal. Then on top of all this there seems to be no one in the B&B except me. Which makes it all seem very empty.
“It was gay pride at the weekend, we were really busy, but I think you’ll find it’s really quiet everywhere this week” said the proprietor. OK, thanks for that. Maybe it’ll be a little bit more chill out than I expected. I specifically booked this place because it’s a good mingling type hotel. And I’d specifically arranged a few days away because summer seemed to be here. I was wrong on both counts.
I wandered around the shops and bought a new shirt, strolled along the front and then went into Waterstones and came across a book by Paul McKenna called ‘Change your life in 7 Days’
The tag lines are
“Would you like to make more money and be more successful?”
“Would you like to have more energy and feel happier every day?”
“Would you like to start living the life of your dreams?”
The answer to all those questions is yes, obviously. So I bought it. I’m 35 pages in and he’s just waffling so far. It’s all about thinking positively instead of being negative all the time. Well that sounds like me alright. So let’s see if we can do something about it shall we?. What’s positive about my situation? Well I’m chilling out and not thinking of work. I’ve got a whole week off. And I’ve just bought a book to stop myself from being so negative. I know that’s a bit thin, but it’s thinking positive. Slightly.
At the back of the book there is a free CD and DVD. I noticed that the TV in the room had a slot to play DVDs so I thought I’d give it a go. I popped it in the hole and….nothing. Then I couldn’t get it back out again. I nearly pulled the bloody TV of the wall. Suddenly it sprung into life and started making a loud grating scraping noise. As if someone was scratching a piece of plastic with a cheese grater. It was quite loud and still it wouldn’t play or stop making a noise or come back out again. I had to flick the off switch to shut it up. When I turned it on again, nothing. I can’t get anything out of it now, it’s just stuck. Bloody hell, can anything else go wrong?. It’s now 9.15pm and it’s freezing in this room so I’m gonna have a early night. Great start to the week I don’t think.(me being positive again I note).
I’ve been planning a secret few days away this week. I say secret because if everyone knows they will wonder why I’m not going with them or to visit them. I’m going to Blackpool. Mainly because it’s a place I feel ok in when I’m on my own. It’s not far from home and I can just chill. It’s only a couple of daysBut S would want to come (I’m going with him later in the year) and I keep avoiding days off with A ( I think she’d drive me mad) and I’m not ready to go to T, or C’s. This one is just for me. But the weather means everything. If it’s nice I always enjoy it. If it’s crap I just feel depressed and lonely. When the weather was sunny a few weeks ago I arranged it at work.
The weather forecast for this week?. CRAP!.
Well bugger me, it was a close one. But we are left with a hung parliament. She gambled and she lost. Or at least got her fingers burnt. I knew it, I could feel it wasn’t gonna be as straight forward as she thought. Now we are completely fucked. 10 days from now Brexit talks start and we don’t really have any kind of government that has any kind of authority to negotiate. The conservatives are now looking for someone to go in to coalition with and lots of people are saying Theresa May should resign. Well it’s not that all just fine and dandy? Chaos, just when we don’t bloody need it. Were fucked!.
It’s Election Day. Time to vote for the next Prime Minister and political party who will be negotiating Brexit with the EU in a couple of weeks time. I’ll be honest I’m not happy with any of them. Can’t get my head around a lot of Labour policy’s and I’m not keen of Jeremy Corbin and his clan of MPs. But I can’t stand Theresa May either, she says nothing, dodges all the questions and is as boring as hell. Your typical stereotype out of touch MP. And some of the others are just as bad. So I’ll just be picking the best of a bad bunch and probably decide on the back of who i DON’T want running the country rather than the one I do.All the crap I get through the post from both sides is interesting. All the labour stuff shows pictures of (and promotes) our local labour MP with no mention of Jeremy Corbin. And all the Conservative stuff is splattered with pictures of Theresa May with just a small mention of who our local Conservative MP is.
I walked to polling station and put a tick next to a box. It was all half hearted really, a bit like the referendum. I’m not confident any of them will make things better. Damned if they do, damned if they don’t.
Later in the day I left work early to go see Elton John at the Leeds Arena with A. I picked her up and we drove there, parked up and went for a coffee before going in. I wanted to be early because I knew security would be heavy again and this time there would be much more people in the queue. We sat on a bench outside chatting for a while but then we decided to go in as the queue was getting bigger. It’s a good job we did because within 15 minutes of us getting inside the venue the queue was massive. And to top it all the heavens opened and it pissed it down on everyone waiting. We couldn’t have timed it any better. Elton himself was actually very good. I was expecting him to be crap but It was a great show. We stayed a bit later than we should have done though, thinking he would end on Pinball Wizard or something up temp. But he did Candle in the wind and then buggered off so we were stuck in a crowed of thousands leaving and heading to the car park. Hundreds were streaming into the car park entrance to pay and leave. God we’re gonna be here forever, we thought. But actually it was perfect. Slow moving but easy and efficient. Lots of officials directing us out and organising the throngs of people. It was brilliant.
When I got home I had some supper and put the telly on to see a bit of the election results. As I type this there had been an exit pole that suggested the Prime Minister had made a mistake and there was gonna be a hung parliament. It’s all a bit scary really. This would be chaos and could cause all sorts of Brexit type problems. Well have to see what happens over night.
Results from my Cholesterol test came through and it’s down to 4.9, normal, no further action. My previous test said 6.4, Borderline, need to speak to nurse. So i’m happy with that. No need to speak to nurse. Crack on, or carry on what I’m doing. I wished it had been much less than that. To be honest I’ve really been going to town with this diet. I might be able to keep a lot of it up, but I’m not gonna bother with any of that crap next week when I’m on holiday. And a little bit of me says I can relax my eating from now. But I feel better for it and I’m slimmer so I think that should keep me in check. At least for the summer.
Went to the doctors today to have another blood test. It’s been 6 months(ish) since my cholesterol test at Christmas and I’ve stuck to the diet so it’s time to see if any of it worked. I’ve lost about 13 Pounds in weight, which is amazing, I’m now 64kg or 142 pounds, fully clothed. I’ve never been so thin. I think I’ve found the holy grail of dieting for me. Less chocolate, cut out butter, and have veg soups from Asda for lunch. Eat more nuts, do a bit more exercise and hey presto it works. It’s not exactly rocket science I suppose but it seems to have worked as far as weight loss is concerned. Just need to wait and find out if it made any difference to my cholesterol level. Apparently I should look to be under 5. At the last check it was 6.5. I’ll find out in a couple of days. But after the test as a treat I bought a couple of Snickers at the shop. Of course I ate the both the same day. Damn. I’ve already relapsed.